Friday, December 30, 2011

A 2012 Non-Resolution

I have been a very bad blogger! Alas, I have blogy-ish ideas floating around in my noggen which “I shall execute on very soon” (pinky swear to myself).

Today I was sitting at the table with Cameron (my 5 year old) when out of nowhere, my eyes welled and I felt a lump in my throat. “Mom, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT I SAID!?” It must’ve been the third time he asked me, but I hadn’t heard. “I’m not looking at any one thing. Actually, I was lost in thought, do you know what that means?”

Lost in thought... running through my mental list of the many things I have to be thankful for, which suddenly brought me to tears, and I could’ve sat there for hours.

It’s true, I have a job I like, a boss I love, a smart and involved husband who loves me. I’m thankful for my son’s teacher... and her patience. That I live close enough to the ocean and the mountains to drive off and find peace for my mind when I need it. My in-laws are the best people to ever be born, my mother’s health, my large family--each one of them--what they’ve taught me and how they love me. The fact that my troubled brother has healed in a way, and the list goes on.

Many of these sound so simple and are things so many people have. Then I remember that the realization and total appreciation of “having,” can only be realized if I understand not having, or have experienced the *threat* of not having.

Just back in January of 2010 I was in a hospital recovering from lung surgery. My husband acted like it was no big deal until the night before, when we hugged goodnight, and he couldn’t let me go and we just hugged and cried for one hour. I let him know where all the lullabies I’d recorded for my 3 year old were in case I didn’t wake up. To think that was two years ago, and just in the last few months I can use a can opener without my right side hurting! Also, I am here!

Last year we did not have a good experience at my son’s private school. Actually, it was down-right terrible and if I’d have known better I’d have pulled my son out right away. One of the things (out of the many) I discussed with the teachers was, “He just needs to know, that you know, he’s here. Could you say good morning to him, or make eye contact?” There were four teachers to 26 kids yet he was lost in the shuffle. This year, his public school teacher has 27 kids to herself and no help, yet she looks him (and all the kids) in the eye everyday with her hands by her side as he enters the classroom and asks, “Cameron, would you like a hug?” That’s all he needs. I’d suspected his self-esteem had been damaged at his last school in his Pre-K program. I found out from another parent at a birthday party this summer that the teachers used to tell him, “Why can’t you be good like Johnny?” One little girl would put notes in his cubby: “Cameron naughty” or “Cameron no-no.” Cameron could read it and the teachers allowed it. Sometimes he would say, "Mom, what does this say?" to confirm, but I knew he knew. Shortly after starting at his new school this year, he
came home and said, “Mom, do I have a good heart or a bad heart?” We had a long talk. “You have a heart of gold” I said, “the best kind. And when you make good choices, you will have a proud heart.” It was all starting to sink in, and finally, he thinks of himself as a “good boy.” His self-esteem has done a 180 thanks to all the love he’s getting at his school. His behavior is great and his teacher loves his energy, and he’s excelling in academics. Not to mention there is a DUDE who runs the after-school program who Cameron totally admires. How lucky am I?


Everything feels so *good* right now. Even the things that aren’t as dreamy and as perfect as I’d like them to be have taken up my mental guest house and much to my surprise, I’ve invited them to stay a while: Morning sickness that just won’t quit, my husband’s snoring, the fact the house always seems unorganized no matter what paper-organization-system-of-the-week I invent, the cold air downstairs, coming up with new dinner ideas that are easy after work, and that I have a list of repair jobs for the house on my "you must be dreaming" list. Somehow, all of the sudden none of this is bothering me, and it all has some big, glowy light shining on it.

Without the morning sickness, I wouldn’t appreciate when I do feel good. Without my husband’s snoring, we wouldn’t have laughed so hard at our arguments about it--we are getting older and it’s nice--and evidently, I snore sometimes, too (oops). The struggle to get vegetables down my 5 year old isn’t as painful as I like to pretend. It’s fun, and I succeed more than I realize I do. Without a good job, my son wouldn't have "toys coming out of his ears" that I pretend complain about.

I suppose I’m just having that recurring realization that we all have from time to time: there’s this one life, and it’s true, it’s not wrapped up in pretty paper with a ribbon on top. For me, it’s an ooey gooey mess that takes serious navigating, whether it be with someone evil at work, introduction into the public school system, sand on the floor from the sandbox, having to actually repeat, “STOP TOUCHING MY BREASTS THOSE ARE PRIVATE PARTS” until my son thinks it’s not funny anymore, trying to re-explain to my my husband how I like him to show me he loves me (e.g. doing all the laundry pretty much makes him super husband but sometimes I just need a hug), being thankful every time he goes out for a 3 hour bike ride on narrow roads and he comes back alive. It’s learning from my mistakes and then re-learning again. I am just so full of thankfulness for the boogers and snot, the cleaning up after everyone, the sugar ants in the kitchen, that I don’t know what to do with myself. Even if it’s pregnancy hormones, I hope the feeling lasts.

I have one more day to finalize my resolution.

Last year at this time I was immersed in work and laughed at the idea of making a New Year’s resolution. “Phbt! That’s for ammeters!” I repeated to myself. This year, I’m inspired by life and the prospects for 2012. I’m not looking for anything huge. Or, should I say, let’s go big: I want a magical love, I want unsurpassed happiness, I want my baby boy to be born perfect and healthy in May. Let the miracles begin. If they don’t, either way, I will keep learning and growing because the days will keep coming. I hope to live a deeper, more impactful life, but at the very least, just give me the feeling of the glowy light.

Happy 2012, and may there be somewhere in it, a glowy light shining on you, too.

2 comments:

  1. Couldn't agree more. Every day we have is a miracle. And miracle days deserve to be lived to the fullest, no matter how smooth or bumpy the ride. Every day is thanksgiving day.

    Here's to a miraculous 2012.

    Wing

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for making me feel all warm and glowy too Amie. Love you!

    ReplyDelete